this baby was tant voulu for me.I craved this little being, i was not surprised by this pregnancy, and was so excited from the very first minute.
To get the depressing stuff out of the way, i have had a few losses. i feel thankful that they all happened before 9 weeks, which seems ridiculous to say, but feels true enough.
i have counted heads more times then i can count,( i am on a redundancy streak today, someone get this girl a thesaurus!)
So anyway, i counted heads, always looking for the extras, subconsciously feeling the babes I had lost were actually missing from my life, from the line-up. 3 just didn't feel like all He had for me. i was craving more, i was desiring another baby, another child more and more with every birth i attended as a doula and midwifes apprentice.
the birth of my son was a dream, he was a golden child from the beginning,still is my knight in shining armor at leat once every day at 8 and a half, his engineer mind and love of nature keep the world anew (I always thought "I am such a good mom I made all the right choices....")
my daughter was the most challenging birth, ,but also the most rewarding, the euphoria i experienced at times during that labor are beyond description the intensity of her labor has followed her through life so far
at 6 ad a half she challenges and teaches me more then anyone else in my life and i love her for it ( I realised that my kids are who they are, I have no idea what I'm doing, and its all in His hands!"good mom", smood mom)
after that i lost 2 in quick succession
1st was sep 28th, then dec 17th (which I always thought looked like more then just one), then i got pregnant with my 3rd on new years eve
it felt like an endless first trimester
my third child/second daughter's birth was beautiful and quick
she is the family mascot, with her disarming smile and fierce love and loyalty she is the glue between us all, the most obvious heir to both sides of the families' out loud passionate personality traits at 4 and a half
after The Capt., Squeak, and Sweet Pea were born, I lost another
it was the most devastating, i was at a time in my life where nothing seemed certain
my relationship with God was on shaky ground and fears filtered in on every side
comments that were made during the midst of that loss have been hard to forget
i still carry the wounds of cruel family members who treated our pregnancy as another mistake, another irresponsible action in a long line of irresponsible actions and insisted we needed to "get fixed right away so this doesn't happen again"
i vowed then to say congrats to any and every woman/girl that told me she was pregnant, even if the circumstances do not seem deserving of it
i unintentionally named my losses,whether it was a name i was considering(Hallianna), whatever was in my mind at the time(Christian),or a character from a book (Tumnus)they stuck, and i still hold those names today
so all this to say, I was led on quite the faith journey in the next few years after sweet pea was born and i loss (tumnus)
i have realized that my feelings, my views are kind of radical
i'm not okay with birth control, i'm not okay with my husband or i getting fixed
i feel like if Gods will were clear, it you had a vision and He said "look, here are the children i have planned for you, this boy, this girl and that one, and maybe more..."
Would i say, send them back? nevermind? i don't want those gifts, just the ones i have are fine?
no.
a resounding no.
it didnt mean that i wanted to actively try to have more,although the desire was strong at the same time
but i didnt want to get in the way for what God had planned for me
i wanted to let go, to have complete faith
for me this meant realizing that maybe 3 is all He has planned for me, maybe there aren't anymore, and i am so blessed with the 3 wonderful children that God has given me the honor to watch grow
for my husband this meant realizing there might be more, alot more, and that it might be as hard as it sounds to raise a big family
we both prayed and felt this was where He wanted us to be
the next day, we got pregnant ;)
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