he's been waiting forever. ;)
that is all.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
20 weeks
oy vey
although i can admit my ignorance about the actual definition of oy vey, that phrase seems the best description for what i'm feeling.
there's a certain ring to it that denotes exhaustion, whether its a physical exhaustion, or one that comes from an exhaustion of mental or emotional resources. I am feeling all three
don't get me wrong, the joy that comes with pregnancy rarely falters, i have yet to have a single moment where i am lamenting the fact that i am pregnant, but its hard work! ( duh)
As i start my 20th week i have decided this blog post is about as productive as i am going to get today
we worked hard emptying and tidying the basement this memorial day weekend getting ready for (yet another) basement border my mom lives with us and my brother is coming home too,(should be interesting come homebirth time)
and my pops dragged us to the zoo( where i swear we saw no less then 2 dozen preggos, maybe i missed a pregnant flash mob of some sort)
so my body is begging me not to do anything today
its my second trimester, the time when you just LOVE being pregnant, your energy comes back, you stop puking, you're finally showing instead of just looking like you ate a few too many doughnuts
but the multips i've talked to warned me, when you get past 3 the pregnancies get increasingly harder so i didnt hold particularly high hopes of having a glorious second trimester
but eek! i feel like i should be about to pop, except i'm only half way there
my hips
my back
my round ligaments
and whatever that ache is at the top of my pubis
i'll say it again
oy vey
although i can admit my ignorance about the actual definition of oy vey, that phrase seems the best description for what i'm feeling.
there's a certain ring to it that denotes exhaustion, whether its a physical exhaustion, or one that comes from an exhaustion of mental or emotional resources. I am feeling all three
don't get me wrong, the joy that comes with pregnancy rarely falters, i have yet to have a single moment where i am lamenting the fact that i am pregnant, but its hard work! ( duh)
As i start my 20th week i have decided this blog post is about as productive as i am going to get today
we worked hard emptying and tidying the basement this memorial day weekend getting ready for (yet another) basement border my mom lives with us and my brother is coming home too,(should be interesting come homebirth time)
and my pops dragged us to the zoo( where i swear we saw no less then 2 dozen preggos, maybe i missed a pregnant flash mob of some sort)
so my body is begging me not to do anything today
its my second trimester, the time when you just LOVE being pregnant, your energy comes back, you stop puking, you're finally showing instead of just looking like you ate a few too many doughnuts
but the multips i've talked to warned me, when you get past 3 the pregnancies get increasingly harder so i didnt hold particularly high hopes of having a glorious second trimester
but eek! i feel like i should be about to pop, except i'm only half way there
my hips
my back
my round ligaments
and whatever that ache is at the top of my pubis
i'll say it again
oy vey
and what are you called?
I am fairly obsessed with baby names
i have a new favorite every week, whether I'm pregnant or not
i favor unique, obscure names
i remember my grandmother telling my brother "name them something we can spell!"
after being confronted with my 3 unique little babes
I thought I'd share some of the more interesting names that did NOT make it on my list:
Fox
Bandit
Theory
Frick ( really!its a name! If it didn't have a polite curse word connotation it might be cute)
Let's make this a date shall we? I'll post my new favorites that aren't favorites every week.
i have a new favorite every week, whether I'm pregnant or not
i favor unique, obscure names
i remember my grandmother telling my brother "name them something we can spell!"
after being confronted with my 3 unique little babes
I thought I'd share some of the more interesting names that did NOT make it on my list:
Fox
Bandit
Theory
Frick ( really!its a name! If it didn't have a polite curse word connotation it might be cute)
Let's make this a date shall we? I'll post my new favorites that aren't favorites every week.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Dancing baby
I have a dancing baby in my womb, and i can't think of a better feeling ;)
Bebe thumped me right under my palm this morning, and i finally felt it from the outside! My kids and husband are so anxious to feel it. Husby tried to feel it for a while after. He kept his still hand on my stomach for twenty minutes, but Bebe had stopped :( hopefully he'll get to feel it soon! I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow.
Luke 1:41 When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.
This dancing baby has MAD SKILLS!
Bebe thumped me right under my palm this morning, and i finally felt it from the outside! My kids and husband are so anxious to feel it. Husby tried to feel it for a while after. He kept his still hand on my stomach for twenty minutes, but Bebe had stopped :( hopefully he'll get to feel it soon! I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow.
Luke 1:41 When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.
This dancing baby has MAD SKILLS!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Homebirth is Safe
Mayim Bailik contributed an article for TodayMoms recently about why women shouldn't fear homebirth.
http://moms.today.com/_news/2011/05/20/6682716-mayim-bialik-why-women-shouldnt-fear-home-birth
My favorite quote from the article:
"Natural birth is not for hippies; it's for anyone who wants to work hard at breaking down what they have been told is true about birth, pain, and the human body and spirit."
She precedes this by saying,
"Our culture has instilled in us a fear of the natural experience of birth and a fear of our bodies. In countries where women are supported in their desire and ability for a natural birth (Northern Europe leads this charge), babies and mothers have the lowest mortality rates"
There are a couple more articles released this last week talking about the 20% increase in homebirth over the last four years. The figure overall is still a small one, but the increase is encouraging. I saw tweets of birth proffesionals who were excited to see homebirth in the mainstream media. However, the experts cited are members of ACOG who say even though there is an increase, they still don't recommend this practice that carries untold risks. Lets address this right off the bat.
ACOG is NOT a scientific organization, the organization exists to further the financial success of its members. Homebirth is not good for business.
One article stated:"From our perspective, that's not the best thing for the overall health of babies and women," said Dr. George Macones, an obstetrician at Washington University in St. Louis who chairs ACOG's Committee on Obstetric Practice.
The studies do not back up this statement however, so we must take it for what it is, a blatant attempt to undermine homebirth as just a choice of experience over safety, which is untrue.
Many point to the recent study that made the alarming conclusion that homebirth is three times as dangerous as hospital birth. This is not an accurate study of the rise in homebirth that we are seeing, as most chose trained, skilled attendants and intend to birth at home as opposed to doing so by accident, or without a trained attendant.
“CIMS found that the authors of the study included confounding data, such as outdated and low-quality studies, low-risk and high-risk mothers, babies born preterm, babies unintentionally born at home, births attended by unqualified providers, and data from birth certificates that researchers have found to be notoriously inaccurate.”
This study cannot be looked to then as a true indicator of the safety of homebirth.
The study below shows that Homebirth is as safe or safer than hospital birth in most cases. In the early 1900's, obstetricians made a business decision to force women in the U.S. to give birth in hospitals, even though they knew that homebirth was safer.
Outcomes of planned home births with certified professional midwives: large prospective study in North America [Full-text article]
Kenneth C Johnson, senior epidemiologist, Betty-Anne Daviss, project manager
BMJ 2005;330:1416 (18 June), doi:10.1136/bmj.330.7505.1416
Conclusions: Planned home birth for low risk women in North America using certified professional midwives was associated with lower rates of medical intervention but similar intrapartum and neonatal mortality to that of low risk hospital births in the United States. [NOTE - CPMs are equivalent to Licensed Midwives in some states.]
Current ACOG recommendations on homebirth are no more then a contiuation of the smear campaigns of the early 1900's that served only to increase jobs and business for obstetricians, and drive midwives out of business.
The Citizens for Midwifery organization has a fact sheet on homebirth
that state homebith reduces the following
`the risk of infection
`risks from unnecesary interventions
`maternal morbidity from rates from complications and interventions
`risk of errors from hospitals
`interference in bonding and breastfeeding from hospital policies
`risks from poor staffing in hospitals
`the risks of tampering with the baby
Homebirth provides lower c-section rates,lower preterm birthrates, lower intervention rates. Better breastfeeding and bonding, lower rates of postpartum mental disorders including depression and post traumatic stress disorder.
This is why I chose homebirth!because it is a safer, more ideal location for mamas and babies.
If you have husbands that are concerned about the safety of homebirth, I encourage you to show them the figures and numbers.
Straight talk to husbands that are not supporting their wives in their desire to homebirth: Sending your wife to the hospital is not a chivalrous act of protection over mother and newborn. Especially if it is not an informed decision, husbands are opening their wives up to a greater likelihood of stress, coersion, and trauma by not supporting them in their desire to birth at home.
Read the books, research, listen to your wife's desires and wishes. Make an informed decision. Talk to other homebirth dads. If there aren't any in your area, look to facebook and the internet for a wide community of men who have supported their wives through homebirth. Natural Papa asked 10 questions of homebirth dads that you can read here
More homebirth info and resources:
The Business of Being Born
Doctors Need Midwives: Ina May Gaskin on the U.S. Maternity-Care Crisis
Several articles and resources from Mothering Magazine
http://moms.today.com/_news/2011/05/20/6682716-mayim-bialik-why-women-shouldnt-fear-home-birth
My favorite quote from the article:
"Natural birth is not for hippies; it's for anyone who wants to work hard at breaking down what they have been told is true about birth, pain, and the human body and spirit."
She precedes this by saying,
"Our culture has instilled in us a fear of the natural experience of birth and a fear of our bodies. In countries where women are supported in their desire and ability for a natural birth (Northern Europe leads this charge), babies and mothers have the lowest mortality rates"
There are a couple more articles released this last week talking about the 20% increase in homebirth over the last four years. The figure overall is still a small one, but the increase is encouraging. I saw tweets of birth proffesionals who were excited to see homebirth in the mainstream media. However, the experts cited are members of ACOG who say even though there is an increase, they still don't recommend this practice that carries untold risks. Lets address this right off the bat.
ACOG is NOT a scientific organization, the organization exists to further the financial success of its members. Homebirth is not good for business.
One article stated:"From our perspective, that's not the best thing for the overall health of babies and women," said Dr. George Macones, an obstetrician at Washington University in St. Louis who chairs ACOG's Committee on Obstetric Practice.
The studies do not back up this statement however, so we must take it for what it is, a blatant attempt to undermine homebirth as just a choice of experience over safety, which is untrue.
Many point to the recent study that made the alarming conclusion that homebirth is three times as dangerous as hospital birth. This is not an accurate study of the rise in homebirth that we are seeing, as most chose trained, skilled attendants and intend to birth at home as opposed to doing so by accident, or without a trained attendant.
“CIMS found that the authors of the study included confounding data, such as outdated and low-quality studies, low-risk and high-risk mothers, babies born preterm, babies unintentionally born at home, births attended by unqualified providers, and data from birth certificates that researchers have found to be notoriously inaccurate.”
This study cannot be looked to then as a true indicator of the safety of homebirth.
The study below shows that Homebirth is as safe or safer than hospital birth in most cases. In the early 1900's, obstetricians made a business decision to force women in the U.S. to give birth in hospitals, even though they knew that homebirth was safer.
Outcomes of planned home births with certified professional midwives: large prospective study in North America [Full-text article]
Kenneth C Johnson, senior epidemiologist, Betty-Anne Daviss, project manager
BMJ 2005;330:1416 (18 June), doi:10.1136/bmj.330.7505.1416
Conclusions: Planned home birth for low risk women in North America using certified professional midwives was associated with lower rates of medical intervention but similar intrapartum and neonatal mortality to that of low risk hospital births in the United States. [NOTE - CPMs are equivalent to Licensed Midwives in some states.]
Current ACOG recommendations on homebirth are no more then a contiuation of the smear campaigns of the early 1900's that served only to increase jobs and business for obstetricians, and drive midwives out of business.
The Citizens for Midwifery organization has a fact sheet on homebirth
that state homebith reduces the following
`the risk of infection
`risks from unnecesary interventions
`maternal morbidity from rates from complications and interventions
`risk of errors from hospitals
`interference in bonding and breastfeeding from hospital policies
`risks from poor staffing in hospitals
`the risks of tampering with the baby
Homebirth provides lower c-section rates,lower preterm birthrates, lower intervention rates. Better breastfeeding and bonding, lower rates of postpartum mental disorders including depression and post traumatic stress disorder.
This is why I chose homebirth!because it is a safer, more ideal location for mamas and babies.
If you have husbands that are concerned about the safety of homebirth, I encourage you to show them the figures and numbers.
Straight talk to husbands that are not supporting their wives in their desire to homebirth: Sending your wife to the hospital is not a chivalrous act of protection over mother and newborn. Especially if it is not an informed decision, husbands are opening their wives up to a greater likelihood of stress, coersion, and trauma by not supporting them in their desire to birth at home.
Read the books, research, listen to your wife's desires and wishes. Make an informed decision. Talk to other homebirth dads. If there aren't any in your area, look to facebook and the internet for a wide community of men who have supported their wives through homebirth. Natural Papa asked 10 questions of homebirth dads that you can read here
More homebirth info and resources:
The Business of Being Born
Doctors Need Midwives: Ina May Gaskin on the U.S. Maternity-Care Crisis
Several articles and resources from Mothering Magazine
Monday, May 23, 2011
19 weeks
!9 weeks! I am so excited to be 19 weeks, nearly half way there.
I woke up thinking, I really want to feel this baby start MOVING. This afternoon I had a lovely 10 minutes of baby dancing, still can't really feel it from the outside yet.The kids all came out eventually and saw me with my hand on my belly, they all crowded around to try to get a feel, they can't wait to feel it. We talked to them every week about where baby is in her development(don't know what we're having so her/he will be interchangeable throughout this blog BTW)
They now know baby can hear, so they all start talking at once into my belly.
"Hi, baby!"
"We love you baby1"
"Can I talk like Donald Duck mom, or will that scare him?"
i can't think of anywhere i'd rather be. ;)
i have such peace about this child, i usually go through several stages of shock, denial, excitement and disbelief, because i was completely unaware of God's plan for each of the other three.
( meaning they were all surprises along with the other three losses)
but DH and i were both so ready and aware(albeit for about 24 hours) before we conceived this one, that not for a moment have i felt caught off-guard or surprised
i feel like i've been waiting for this one and i'm so glad to be pregnant, i am already getting anxious to meet this little one and have it be a part of our family from out here ;)
i went to a homeschoolers conference this weekend, and the average family size seemed to be 7 kids
it was funny to feel like i was saying,
"well, I ONLY have 3, and i'm pregnant for my fourth." I would not have been surprised if one of those mamas would've said, "well thats a good start!"
normally i get gasps and stares when i tell people i'm pregnant with my fourth,
"FOUR?!, wow, thats like A LOT!"
they all made it look so possible to have a big family, teens and infants in the same family, it was a culture shock for sure, but as i walked around i realized
all i am seeing is blessings multiplied, it didn't seem appalling, impossible, ridiculous or un-environmental
i walked around thinking, how many do i want to have? but quickly realised thats not what its about
this fourth one was very much about a faith journey for me, it wasnt about making a decision to have another, or even feeling ready to have another
it was about wanting God's will in my life, and through prayer discerning that children are a blessing no matter what, and truly i never want to turn away a blessing from HIM
so it was a little thrilling ( and a lot anxiety inducing) to see these families and wonder
is this what you have planned for me Lord?
am i going to look like one of these moms someday?
what a thought
I woke up thinking, I really want to feel this baby start MOVING. This afternoon I had a lovely 10 minutes of baby dancing, still can't really feel it from the outside yet.The kids all came out eventually and saw me with my hand on my belly, they all crowded around to try to get a feel, they can't wait to feel it. We talked to them every week about where baby is in her development(don't know what we're having so her/he will be interchangeable throughout this blog BTW)
They now know baby can hear, so they all start talking at once into my belly.
"Hi, baby!"
"We love you baby1"
"Can I talk like Donald Duck mom, or will that scare him?"
i can't think of anywhere i'd rather be. ;)
i have such peace about this child, i usually go through several stages of shock, denial, excitement and disbelief, because i was completely unaware of God's plan for each of the other three.
( meaning they were all surprises along with the other three losses)
but DH and i were both so ready and aware(albeit for about 24 hours) before we conceived this one, that not for a moment have i felt caught off-guard or surprised
i feel like i've been waiting for this one and i'm so glad to be pregnant, i am already getting anxious to meet this little one and have it be a part of our family from out here ;)
i went to a homeschoolers conference this weekend, and the average family size seemed to be 7 kids
it was funny to feel like i was saying,
"well, I ONLY have 3, and i'm pregnant for my fourth." I would not have been surprised if one of those mamas would've said, "well thats a good start!"
normally i get gasps and stares when i tell people i'm pregnant with my fourth,
"FOUR?!, wow, thats like A LOT!"
they all made it look so possible to have a big family, teens and infants in the same family, it was a culture shock for sure, but as i walked around i realized
all i am seeing is blessings multiplied, it didn't seem appalling, impossible, ridiculous or un-environmental
i walked around thinking, how many do i want to have? but quickly realised thats not what its about
this fourth one was very much about a faith journey for me, it wasnt about making a decision to have another, or even feeling ready to have another
it was about wanting God's will in my life, and through prayer discerning that children are a blessing no matter what, and truly i never want to turn away a blessing from HIM
so it was a little thrilling ( and a lot anxiety inducing) to see these families and wonder
is this what you have planned for me Lord?
am i going to look like one of these moms someday?
what a thought
Thursday, May 19, 2011
18 weeks
We had an appointment with our midwife today.
I just love this woman ;)
I had a recent discussion with my preceptor and dear friend about why women chose the midwives we do. This particular discussion was about if age is a factor
we talked about how some women want a mother to take care of them during labor, and some want a sister, and there still are some grandmother midwives out there as well
Well my midwife is like that cool eccentric aunt that always has great stories to tell and inspires you to be more
She has delivered my other 3 children, and has walked me through 3 miscarriages
when i was uncertain about a new friend and midwife asking me to attend births with her as an apprentice, She gave me a pile of ob/gyn books that she no longer had use for and told me that yes,i am going to be a midwife someday
the care that i receive from her is so very different from the care my friends and clients receive from their OB's its not really comparable
yes, we checked my weight ( ack! its climbing awfully fast this pregnancy!!)
i peed on a stick, ( all clear! my body seems to be handling this pregnancy really well,everything is in terrific balance)
we listened to baby ( happy baby!)
and measured my fundal height (19cm, but normal, especially for a 4th pregnancy)
checked blood pressure ( low as always)
but this was all peppered with conversation about anything and everything
she treats me like a favored neice, a friend
she asks about every possible thing going on in my life
we talked about who might be at the birth, she told me during my first pregnancy that everyone should have a purpose, a "job" to do, spectators get in the way and can change the energy and process of labor
i have so many people that i would love to have there, my husband is terrified that I'm going to want to invite every doula friend, natural mama and midwife I know to be there lol
but alas i have so enjoyed our relatively quiet, private birth experiences in the past with him, my midwife and usually one other set of hands to help set up and get picures
(i keep him on his toes by making comments like "how much should i sell tickets to our bith for honey?" )
I usually spend an hour at my midwife appointments ( how much time does an OB spend with their patients?)
i very much feel like my whole person is being accounted for, midwifery care is so very holistic, she takes into account my physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health
i have plenty of time to ask questions, discuss possibilities and i always learn something
i feel important, cared for, my intuition and opinions and concerns are of the utmost importance
i am in control of my care, and my midwife is part of my team
every decision,every discussion is between two equals, partners, there is no hierarchy
i have never had to make a decision that i didnt want to make, felt pressured to make, or have had to make against my better judgement
i always learn a lot! Even as a doula and midwifery student there is so much to know and learn, and facts that i've heard before are different this pregnancy
all the variables present different opportunities for learning and application of what i've learned
going into birth i know exactly whats happening, what might happen
i understand, i trust the process
i trust my midwife, my husband and family
i trust the Creator and His design for my body, my baby and this process that he made to happen in just this way
because of these appointments, this relational, holistic building up of my whole person and famiily
and this trust
fear is not present, the unknown that can breed fear is not fostered as it is in a hospital setting
we are ready to deal with emergency circumstances but fear and negativity are tools that my midwife does not carry in her bag
and me? i dont have a bag to pack :) i'll be staying home when i go into labor
in my house, surrounded by the family and friends that i have carefully chosen to be present
free to do whatever feels right, whatever helps me cope, whatever gets the baby down the birth canal and into my arms
i can eat to fuel myself through this marathon of all marathons, give my body the nutrients and energy it needs to do this work
i can walk
i can shower
i can swim
i can wear whatever i want
i can yell, sing, scream
i can demand silence and darkness
i can send people away if i need to
i can invite new ones to come if i need different energy
i can birth wherever, however i feel if baby and i are doing well
why are these things important? am i trading experience for safety?
all of these things take care of me,
emotionally,physically,spiritually
and anything that is good for me is good for the baby,
if i am nourished physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually and there isn't any fear and negativity present
i am in the safest possible place i could be, interventions are less neccesary, and when they are they are executed efficiently
i am safe at home
i am safer at home then i would be any other place
i am not trading experience for safety,
i hired a midwife for evidence based, holistic care that is safer for my baby and i
hospitals offer only the false perception of safety, a slew of interventions that seem logical and safe but in reality are making hospial births more dangerous everyday
protocol trumps science, normalised deviance is rampant
decisions are made because "thats the way its done"
not because "this is whats safe and neccesary"
mothers intuition is ignored, laughed at even, and surpressed
given support,whole person holistic nourishment of body, mind, soul and spirit
women can do the impossible
women can do this, we are made to give birth( i dont care how big your hips are, or are not), and it can be beautiful, even if everything doesnt go as planned
i am not a superhero, i'm not brave,,i'm not crazy i'm not uneducated or negligent for doing this at home, without drugs and without surgery
it is EASIER to give birth at home, it is safer
i have chosen the simpler path, and i have only gained
i haven't sacrificed a single thing to do it this way
I just love this woman ;)
I had a recent discussion with my preceptor and dear friend about why women chose the midwives we do. This particular discussion was about if age is a factor
we talked about how some women want a mother to take care of them during labor, and some want a sister, and there still are some grandmother midwives out there as well
Well my midwife is like that cool eccentric aunt that always has great stories to tell and inspires you to be more
She has delivered my other 3 children, and has walked me through 3 miscarriages
when i was uncertain about a new friend and midwife asking me to attend births with her as an apprentice, She gave me a pile of ob/gyn books that she no longer had use for and told me that yes,i am going to be a midwife someday
the care that i receive from her is so very different from the care my friends and clients receive from their OB's its not really comparable
yes, we checked my weight ( ack! its climbing awfully fast this pregnancy!!)
i peed on a stick, ( all clear! my body seems to be handling this pregnancy really well,everything is in terrific balance)
we listened to baby ( happy baby!)
and measured my fundal height (19cm, but normal, especially for a 4th pregnancy)
checked blood pressure ( low as always)
but this was all peppered with conversation about anything and everything
she treats me like a favored neice, a friend
she asks about every possible thing going on in my life
we talked about who might be at the birth, she told me during my first pregnancy that everyone should have a purpose, a "job" to do, spectators get in the way and can change the energy and process of labor
i have so many people that i would love to have there, my husband is terrified that I'm going to want to invite every doula friend, natural mama and midwife I know to be there lol
but alas i have so enjoyed our relatively quiet, private birth experiences in the past with him, my midwife and usually one other set of hands to help set up and get picures
(i keep him on his toes by making comments like "how much should i sell tickets to our bith for honey?" )
I usually spend an hour at my midwife appointments ( how much time does an OB spend with their patients?)
i very much feel like my whole person is being accounted for, midwifery care is so very holistic, she takes into account my physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health
i have plenty of time to ask questions, discuss possibilities and i always learn something
i feel important, cared for, my intuition and opinions and concerns are of the utmost importance
i am in control of my care, and my midwife is part of my team
every decision,every discussion is between two equals, partners, there is no hierarchy
i have never had to make a decision that i didnt want to make, felt pressured to make, or have had to make against my better judgement
i always learn a lot! Even as a doula and midwifery student there is so much to know and learn, and facts that i've heard before are different this pregnancy
all the variables present different opportunities for learning and application of what i've learned
going into birth i know exactly whats happening, what might happen
i understand, i trust the process
i trust my midwife, my husband and family
i trust the Creator and His design for my body, my baby and this process that he made to happen in just this way
because of these appointments, this relational, holistic building up of my whole person and famiily
and this trust
fear is not present, the unknown that can breed fear is not fostered as it is in a hospital setting
we are ready to deal with emergency circumstances but fear and negativity are tools that my midwife does not carry in her bag
and me? i dont have a bag to pack :) i'll be staying home when i go into labor
in my house, surrounded by the family and friends that i have carefully chosen to be present
free to do whatever feels right, whatever helps me cope, whatever gets the baby down the birth canal and into my arms
i can eat to fuel myself through this marathon of all marathons, give my body the nutrients and energy it needs to do this work
i can walk
i can shower
i can swim
i can wear whatever i want
i can yell, sing, scream
i can demand silence and darkness
i can send people away if i need to
i can invite new ones to come if i need different energy
i can birth wherever, however i feel if baby and i are doing well
why are these things important? am i trading experience for safety?
all of these things take care of me,
emotionally,physically,spiritually
and anything that is good for me is good for the baby,
if i am nourished physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually and there isn't any fear and negativity present
i am in the safest possible place i could be, interventions are less neccesary, and when they are they are executed efficiently
i am safe at home
i am safer at home then i would be any other place
i am not trading experience for safety,
i hired a midwife for evidence based, holistic care that is safer for my baby and i
hospitals offer only the false perception of safety, a slew of interventions that seem logical and safe but in reality are making hospial births more dangerous everyday
protocol trumps science, normalised deviance is rampant
decisions are made because "thats the way its done"
not because "this is whats safe and neccesary"
mothers intuition is ignored, laughed at even, and surpressed
given support,whole person holistic nourishment of body, mind, soul and spirit
women can do the impossible
women can do this, we are made to give birth( i dont care how big your hips are, or are not), and it can be beautiful, even if everything doesnt go as planned
i am not a superhero, i'm not brave,,i'm not crazy i'm not uneducated or negligent for doing this at home, without drugs and without surgery
it is EASIER to give birth at home, it is safer
i have chosen the simpler path, and i have only gained
i haven't sacrificed a single thing to do it this way
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
tant voulu (desired;craved)
this baby was tant voulu for me.I craved this little being, i was not surprised by this pregnancy, and was so excited from the very first minute.
To get the depressing stuff out of the way, i have had a few losses. i feel thankful that they all happened before 9 weeks, which seems ridiculous to say, but feels true enough.
i have counted heads more times then i can count,( i am on a redundancy streak today, someone get this girl a thesaurus!)
So anyway, i counted heads, always looking for the extras, subconsciously feeling the babes I had lost were actually missing from my life, from the line-up. 3 just didn't feel like all He had for me. i was craving more, i was desiring another baby, another child more and more with every birth i attended as a doula and midwifes apprentice.
the birth of my son was a dream, he was a golden child from the beginning,still is my knight in shining armor at leat once every day at 8 and a half, his engineer mind and love of nature keep the world anew (I always thought "I am such a good mom I made all the right choices....")
my daughter was the most challenging birth, ,but also the most rewarding, the euphoria i experienced at times during that labor are beyond description the intensity of her labor has followed her through life so far
at 6 ad a half she challenges and teaches me more then anyone else in my life and i love her for it ( I realised that my kids are who they are, I have no idea what I'm doing, and its all in His hands!"good mom", smood mom)
after that i lost 2 in quick succession
1st was sep 28th, then dec 17th (which I always thought looked like more then just one), then i got pregnant with my 3rd on new years eve
it felt like an endless first trimester
my third child/second daughter's birth was beautiful and quick
she is the family mascot, with her disarming smile and fierce love and loyalty she is the glue between us all, the most obvious heir to both sides of the families' out loud passionate personality traits at 4 and a half
after The Capt., Squeak, and Sweet Pea were born, I lost another
it was the most devastating, i was at a time in my life where nothing seemed certain
my relationship with God was on shaky ground and fears filtered in on every side
comments that were made during the midst of that loss have been hard to forget
i still carry the wounds of cruel family members who treated our pregnancy as another mistake, another irresponsible action in a long line of irresponsible actions and insisted we needed to "get fixed right away so this doesn't happen again"
i vowed then to say congrats to any and every woman/girl that told me she was pregnant, even if the circumstances do not seem deserving of it
i unintentionally named my losses,whether it was a name i was considering(Hallianna), whatever was in my mind at the time(Christian),or a character from a book (Tumnus)they stuck, and i still hold those names today
so all this to say, I was led on quite the faith journey in the next few years after sweet pea was born and i loss (tumnus)
i have realized that my feelings, my views are kind of radical
i'm not okay with birth control, i'm not okay with my husband or i getting fixed
i feel like if Gods will were clear, it you had a vision and He said "look, here are the children i have planned for you, this boy, this girl and that one, and maybe more..."
Would i say, send them back? nevermind? i don't want those gifts, just the ones i have are fine?
no.
a resounding no.
it didnt mean that i wanted to actively try to have more,although the desire was strong at the same time
but i didnt want to get in the way for what God had planned for me
i wanted to let go, to have complete faith
for me this meant realizing that maybe 3 is all He has planned for me, maybe there aren't anymore, and i am so blessed with the 3 wonderful children that God has given me the honor to watch grow
for my husband this meant realizing there might be more, alot more, and that it might be as hard as it sounds to raise a big family
we both prayed and felt this was where He wanted us to be
the next day, we got pregnant ;)
To get the depressing stuff out of the way, i have had a few losses. i feel thankful that they all happened before 9 weeks, which seems ridiculous to say, but feels true enough.
i have counted heads more times then i can count,( i am on a redundancy streak today, someone get this girl a thesaurus!)
So anyway, i counted heads, always looking for the extras, subconsciously feeling the babes I had lost were actually missing from my life, from the line-up. 3 just didn't feel like all He had for me. i was craving more, i was desiring another baby, another child more and more with every birth i attended as a doula and midwifes apprentice.
the birth of my son was a dream, he was a golden child from the beginning,still is my knight in shining armor at leat once every day at 8 and a half, his engineer mind and love of nature keep the world anew (I always thought "I am such a good mom I made all the right choices....")
my daughter was the most challenging birth, ,but also the most rewarding, the euphoria i experienced at times during that labor are beyond description the intensity of her labor has followed her through life so far
at 6 ad a half she challenges and teaches me more then anyone else in my life and i love her for it ( I realised that my kids are who they are, I have no idea what I'm doing, and its all in His hands!"good mom", smood mom)
after that i lost 2 in quick succession
1st was sep 28th, then dec 17th (which I always thought looked like more then just one), then i got pregnant with my 3rd on new years eve
it felt like an endless first trimester
my third child/second daughter's birth was beautiful and quick
she is the family mascot, with her disarming smile and fierce love and loyalty she is the glue between us all, the most obvious heir to both sides of the families' out loud passionate personality traits at 4 and a half
after The Capt., Squeak, and Sweet Pea were born, I lost another
it was the most devastating, i was at a time in my life where nothing seemed certain
my relationship with God was on shaky ground and fears filtered in on every side
comments that were made during the midst of that loss have been hard to forget
i still carry the wounds of cruel family members who treated our pregnancy as another mistake, another irresponsible action in a long line of irresponsible actions and insisted we needed to "get fixed right away so this doesn't happen again"
i vowed then to say congrats to any and every woman/girl that told me she was pregnant, even if the circumstances do not seem deserving of it
i unintentionally named my losses,whether it was a name i was considering(Hallianna), whatever was in my mind at the time(Christian),or a character from a book (Tumnus)they stuck, and i still hold those names today
so all this to say, I was led on quite the faith journey in the next few years after sweet pea was born and i loss (tumnus)
i have realized that my feelings, my views are kind of radical
i'm not okay with birth control, i'm not okay with my husband or i getting fixed
i feel like if Gods will were clear, it you had a vision and He said "look, here are the children i have planned for you, this boy, this girl and that one, and maybe more..."
Would i say, send them back? nevermind? i don't want those gifts, just the ones i have are fine?
no.
a resounding no.
it didnt mean that i wanted to actively try to have more,although the desire was strong at the same time
but i didnt want to get in the way for what God had planned for me
i wanted to let go, to have complete faith
for me this meant realizing that maybe 3 is all He has planned for me, maybe there aren't anymore, and i am so blessed with the 3 wonderful children that God has given me the honor to watch grow
for my husband this meant realizing there might be more, alot more, and that it might be as hard as it sounds to raise a big family
we both prayed and felt this was where He wanted us to be
the next day, we got pregnant ;)
Bump watch
Most of you on twitter and facebook saw this already, but here is my 17 week bump
i am 18 weeks now, will update the bump pic every couple of weeks. ;)
so....what exactly am I doing here?
i love that this feels like an online journal, which is why i blog at all
i want to remember all of this
every miserable morning
every tiny flutter
every thought of the life growing inside me
i want to remember it in this very public way, because i know my journey is outside of ordinary
i have had 3 beautiful homebirths
and I am planning on having this one at home as well
i can truly believe in the beauty and safety of this amazing life event
that i am so blessed to be a part of because i've experienced it
i wish every woman shared a unique story that was beautiful
but not all of them are
when i realized that there were more sad stories then empowering,inspiring, beautiful ones
i decided to become a doula, and now i am a homebith midwifery student as well
so that one birth at a time
i can help women and families have beautiful births
now that you know a teensy bit about me....
this blog is going to be straightforward and honest,
i may whine, i may have mood swings, I may post controversial/confrontational articles and links about birth
but i'd love it if you'd join me, and my hope is that someone somewhere will find some inspiration or encouragement to find their voice as a woman, and have a bella birth story as well
i want to remember all of this
every miserable morning
every tiny flutter
every thought of the life growing inside me
i want to remember it in this very public way, because i know my journey is outside of ordinary
i have had 3 beautiful homebirths
and I am planning on having this one at home as well
i can truly believe in the beauty and safety of this amazing life event
that i am so blessed to be a part of because i've experienced it
i wish every woman shared a unique story that was beautiful
but not all of them are
when i realized that there were more sad stories then empowering,inspiring, beautiful ones
i decided to become a doula, and now i am a homebith midwifery student as well
so that one birth at a time
i can help women and families have beautiful births
now that you know a teensy bit about me....
this blog is going to be straightforward and honest,
i may whine, i may have mood swings, I may post controversial/confrontational articles and links about birth
but i'd love it if you'd join me, and my hope is that someone somewhere will find some inspiration or encouragement to find their voice as a woman, and have a bella birth story as well
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